She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
