I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
