I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
