just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
