My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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