I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
