Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
