I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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