Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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