I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
