I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
