Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
