I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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