My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
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Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
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Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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