Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
