dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
