If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
