Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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