Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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