so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
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New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
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Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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