I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
