Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
