My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I AM VODKA MAN
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Randomize
