I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
