Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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