I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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