You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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