Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
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my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
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Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
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