oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
