allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
