Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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