I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
