Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
How naked do you want me to be?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
