I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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