Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
