Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
