she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
