Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
