I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
