True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
