Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
