He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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