You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
