If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
