I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I need to calm my uterus...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
