True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
this will be a night to untag.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
