no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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