it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
