I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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