Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
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My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
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They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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