My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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