Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
