Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
