nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
