Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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