im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
