i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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