She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
